One of the things I struggle with is articulating how I feel to others when those feelings are ones of love, gratitude, and friendship. It isn’t that I don’t have these feelings; I just choke, typically cry, and can’t get the words out the right way. I usually feel like the meaning I had hoped for is then lost. So, I typically write these emotions to give to people so I can express what I really mean instead of fumbling over the words and feeling like an idiot. For our wedding, Jerry and I decided to have non-traditional vows and –at my suggestion- to also write our own personal tributes to one another. Jerry wrote a beautiful testament to us and his hands shook just a little as he read it. I had everything I wanted to say ready to go but when my turn to read came I got two sentences in and then blanked. Nothing. It was all right there in my mind, but I couldn’t get the words out. I also later stumbled over the actual recital of the vows because my nerves were all over the place. I still feel like I cheated Jerry a little in that regard; some day I’ll give him the tribute he deserves.
Recently, I have been feeling remiss in telling people the good things I love about them and how much I appreciate who they are or what they’ve done. I’d like to let these people know in case I can’t seem to get it right face-to-face. Below, in no particular order and with some identified and some anonymous, are people for whom I am grateful and glad to know.
JM: Maybe it is because I’m writing and I seek to emulate your style, but you came to mind first. You are everything I admire about women all in one: strong, warm, open, intelligent, and still incredibly humble. Thank you for teaching me, whether you know it or not, how to own who I am and not apologize for my feelings. You’ve seen me cry from a whole spectrum of emotions and yet, you always know exactly what to say. Knowing you has made me more comfortable with who I am and has motivated me to take (reasonable!) risks both professionally and personally. I don’t know how you do it all, but you do it all with a grace that I can only hope to one day reach.
Mike O: When I first met Jerry, you were deployed and it was several months before I was finally able to meet the best friend Jerry talked about with such admiration. In the seven years I’ve known you, I’ve come to understand why Jerry loves you like a brother and how much I love you, too. Between the three of us, I know the words aren’t always there to say what we mean, but I am incredibly grateful for the friendship you’ve given me and for the friend you are to Jerry.
Class of 2011: In my brief tenure teaching, I’ve become attached to each class for different reasons. At your graduation, I looked around at all of you and was so proud of all of you (even the ones we pulled kicking, screaming, and possibly punching through English 12). Your speakers made a few references to your class’s lack of spirit or even lack of unity as a group and as I listened, I reflected on the impressions so many of you left with me. Your class contains some of the nicest, most caring, and free-thinking individuals I’ve ever had the pleasure of teaching. Perhaps this has been interpreted as lack of cohesion as a class but, after I finished laughing hysterically at your flash mob, it occurred to me how awesome it has been that your class has so many different types of individuals who embrace each other even if you don’t always mesh. Never lose that sense of exceptionality; the world needs more people who aren’t afraid to be different.
To everyone who called, sent messages, flowers, and didn’t become offended when I couldn’t bring myself to respond or answer just then: Thank you for all the love and energy sent our way when we lost our baby. I appreciate it more than I can put into words. Knowing I had people I could turn to when I was ready to crawl out of my grief meant everything. To D, the woman who thanked me for being open about my personal experiences with infertility and loss, thank you for validating my journey and sharing yours with me.
There are more coming soon!
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